


letting go

by vampireluv



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i shall try to write a fluffier piece in the future, i was sad when i wrote this smh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 21:17:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18978523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireluv/pseuds/vampireluv
Summary: stan always loved bill and bill used to love him just as much. however, sometimes love isn't enough.





	letting go

Stan sighed as he sat down on the edge of his bed. He looked over to his bedside table and breathed deeply as he focuses on the picture of his ex-lover and himself. He doesn’t really know how or when things changed between them. All he knew is that one moment they were happy, in love, and the next moment they were arguing and screaming at each other. 

It’s hard for Stan to wrap his mind around it. He can’t believe that something that made him the happiest person in the world suddenly makes him feel like the world’s biggest mistake. It’s dumb, Stan decided, to be sad over something he can’t control. He can’t make him stay. He wasn’t enough to make him stay. 

Stan takes another breath and wipes some tears that fell without his permission. He leans over and grabs the picture frame. He takes a shuddering breath and smiles softly as he looked at how happy he was. How happy they were. 

Stan knows that the other man was happy. At least, he hopes he was. He hopes that he was able to make his last partner as happy as they made him. Even if there were some issues and loud arguments that made Stan’s worst fears come true. He wished that he was able to convey how much he loved the latter. Because he did. Stan loved the other man with everything he had. 

Even if he would deny it to anyone who asked. 

Stan loves Bill with all of his soul. And even though he denies it; everyone else knew. They knew the passion and affection that Stan hold for his Bill. 

Bill had been his person for so long that it’s hard to think of him as anything else. Stan knows that there’s going to be someone else in his life and even in Bill’s. That they are both going to fall in love with someone else and slowly erase the whispered promises and the late night love confessions. 

He knows that someone else is going to be the one to trace Bill’s face and count his freckles. That someone is going to be able to provide warm hugs when needed. Bill is going to have someone that is going to be able to bring down the moon for him and more. Someone who isn’t afraid of showing him off or to be as affectionate as possible in public. 

Stan knows that Bill is going to have someone that will be everything he wasn’t. No matter how much it hurts him to admit; there’s going to be someone replacing him and taking the spot he wishes he still had. 

Stan shakes his head as more tears start to fall. He tries to wipe them away, but it feels like he’s crying out an ocean. He wipes and wipes without any much luck. He screams out a silent plea and lets himself fall back towards his bed. 

He hates how this came to be. He hates how he lost Bill’s friendship. He hates himself for risking the good friendship they once had. Now, Stan is alone and he can’t see. He can’t see past the heavy sadness surrounding him and pushing him down. down. down. But in the end that doesn’t matter. 

What matters is Bill’s happiness. And how he deserves more than this tainted relationship. 

Stan’s greatest wish is that whoever gets to be with Bill next treats him like the greatest treasure he really is. That they can treat him without any fear of being caught. Without any restriction. He wishes that someone could love Bill more than he had. It’s going to be difficult to surpass that, but Bill deserves it. Bill deserves so much more than what he had to offer. 

He would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. Because it did. It does. The break up made him feel like he lost a big part of him. He lost the part of himself that he liked the most. 

Stan knows that he shouldn’t have invested himself that deeply into the relationship. He knows better. He’s all about being logical and practical, but he couldn’t avoid it. He, honestly, didn’t realize how deeply he had fallen for the other male till it was too late to bring himself to stop. All he knew is that he kept falling and falling leaving everything else behind. 

Even though all the arguments. He didn’t care about them. All he cared about was Bill and his happiness. He didn’t care if the blame was pinned on him even if it wasn’t necessarily his fault. Stan just wanted to work things out. He wanted them to be happy and to last. 

He won’t admit it to anyone, but he wanted to grow old with Bill and everything in between. He wanted to move in together, get married, and maybe even raise a family together. He wanted to be able to hold Bill’s hand until the end of time. 

And maybe Stan did hold on to Bill till the end of time. But not the time Stan wanted. Stan wanted to hold his hand till the day they died, but the Universe had other plans. It allowed Stan to hold onto Bill till their own story was over. Till that time was over and it was ready for a new chapter in both of their lives. 

Stan wishes he had the ability to stop time. 

He wants to stop time to appreciate the moments that he created with Bill. He didn’t think that his time with Bill was going to be short-lived. He would’ve loved him harder and louder. He would’ve held on tight. To fight the Universe from taking Bill away. 

But

Sadly, that’s not how things go. 

Stan let out a shuddering breathe before closing his eyes. He focuses on the soft notes of the playlist that used to be theirs. He slowly unclenches his fists and he sighed, nodding softly to himself. 

It’s time. 

It’s time to let it go.

It’s time to let go of the memories. 

It’s going to be hard, but he loves bill enough to know what’s best for him. 

_ It’s time to let go of Bill.  _

**Author's Note:**

> ik this was kind of. sad slkdfjasldfk and i apologize. i wasn't going to post this because it was somewhat personal to me, but i decided to post it in order to have some sort of closure on my own feelings. i hope you all enjoy it (even though it was sad lol)


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